6. Lose 4lb.
Meh. That sums up how it felt to get up this morning, my only day off in a fortnight, to attend Body Attack. AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH is roughly how I felt after it.
You’ve probably guessed that my goal to lose 4lb isn’t going well, since I’ve posted about times when I made shortbread or Malteser cake (goal number 3) or ate hundreds of Jaffa Cakes (greediness), but not once have I explained what measures I’m taking to lose weight (none). In fact, since setting the goal I’ve gained 8lb, which means that, frankly, I’d be quite happy to get back to the original weight I was.
I put off getting ready until the last minute, just in case my friend cancelled and I didn’t have to go, but she didn’t, so I tied my hair back and put on some concealer (don’t want to terrify people) and had a Mars Bar for breakfast, as if my arteries needed clogged up more.
We arrived at the sports centre. Now I haven’t been to an exercise class for a while – probably over a year – but I was expecting it to be £3/£4. It was £5, and I had to borrow money from my friend. First fail.
Then we were waiting outside the class, and I realised that the last class I went to was zumba, which isn’t exactly indicative of the type that generally attends fitness classes. Zumba is full of all ages and body types. Body Attack was full of young girls (probably my age, but I felt very old) in proper exercise gear – running leggings or tiny shorts. Some of them were also the type that wears makeup to classes or the type that never has to wear it. (Unfair.) So there I was, wondering why I didn’t just put foundation on, dressed in jogging bottoms and a giant T-shirt with an elephant on it, well aware of the irony. (Or completely the opposite of irony, is it…?) The instructor was older than me, but she had the energy of six-year-old twin girls, and she was wearing short shorts and a sports bra, presumably to show off the benefits of Body Attack.
I got through the first song, thinking ‘This isn’t too bad actually’, when we ‘started’. I thought we had already done that, but fine, don’t count the warm-up. The entirety of the second song was jumpy/joggy and high intensity the entire way through. And it was a long song. I found my fitness had improved a little, because last year I couldn’t run for the verse and chorus of a song before I had to stop because my lungs were going to give up, whereas I managed to keep up the pace for a whole song this time. Baby steps.
But that wasn’t it. The rest of the hour (until the cool-down) was the same level of intensity or thereabouts, and that horrible, tight-chested, I-cannot-really-breathe-properly-right-now feeling that I used to get if I was running came back. I had forgotten my water, and having underestimated the cost of the class I didn’t have enough money to buy any. Oh dear.
I just could not muster the energy to jump about like everyone else. It could be because of tiredness or the bad breakfast or laziness, but the fact was the quickest I moved was towards the exit at the end. (And if I’d just taken ten minutes to put makeup on, at least I wouldn’t have been leaving with a purple face.) People say exercise releases endorphins, but I honestly thought I was going to cry THREE TIMES during that class. (I just couldn’t do any more jumping jacks, OK?)
Other things I learned:
1. I still can’t do push-ups. Not even the easy version.
2. I liked the dance elements, but not the exercise bits like ‘reps’ and running backwards and forwards all the time.
3. Choice personal-trainer phrases like ‘Oxygen is your energy’. (Actually, another Mars Bar would have been a much more effective source of energy at that point.) There was also ‘This is how we make the change’, or as I like to think of it, ‘This is how we twist our knees’, and ‘Do it, do it, don’t you want a slimmer waistline?’
4. No, I do not want a slimmer waistline if it means taking this class again.
So Body Attack isn’t for me, but we’re thinking of trying out boxercise or something that might be slightly more fun next time. I think exercise for the sake of exercising is never going to be high on my list of priorities.