Those of you who think a two-year phone contract is too long will probably hyperventilate at the thought, but I’ve had my phone since April 2010.
I’ve had it so long that running through the contacts list makes me feel like I have amnesia, because I do not know who half the people are.
And while everyone’s seen the hilarious autocorrect fails that iPhones are prone to, the dictionary on my phone is no recognisable language, even when set to English. Want to type ‘whole’? No, of course you meant ‘ygolf’.
It is cheap and holds its charge, but it doesn’t have apps, a decent camera, or keep track of messages in the form of conversations like many phones now do as standard. I still have to delete messages when my inbox gets too full. If a message is too long, it comes through in pieces. If someone replies a couple of days late, I probably don’t remember what we were talking about.
It would make sense to just delete messages once the conversation is finished with, but I’m a sentimental sod and still have some of my favourites from when I first got the phone. There are more creative versions of ‘Happy birthday’, ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘Have a safe trip’ and ‘Welcome home’. There are the first and last messages from the guys I dated – sentimental fool! – unless I really didn’t like them by the end. Bizarrely, more than one person felt the need to text me ‘Keep calm and carry on’. Then there are a few that mean nothing out of context, but still make me smile.
Here are a few. The typos and text speak aren’t mine!
Four years ago
‘Happy bday Lauren!!! That’s u on top of the hill now hehe!! Xx’
Thanks, Hannah. On top of the hill back then? What on earth am I now!
‘Double or nothing he loses tomorrow though! x’
My sister, desperately trying to win at least one of the many F1 bets we made. She still lost.
‘Hiya laurenface how r u? R u free sun 4 a day of fun? Xxx’
I kept this for four years because of the bizarre ‘laurenface’ which I had never been called before and have never been since.
‘It’s a boy! Born sat 25th 6.16 pm. Weighed 6lb 14oz. All well and he is gorgeous.’
Message from my auntie forwarded to me from my mum when my cousin had a baby. The slightly sad thing is I’ve still never met this baby – who will be going to school next year.
‘How funny was the reducto bit! I think I killed myself for about 10 minutes and missed like half the film I was laughing so hard.’
My sister on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. I had found the exact same part funnier than it should have been.
‘I made myself a snowball as perfect as can be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pyjamas and a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away.
But first… it wet the bed.’
From my former flatmate, courtesy of Shel Silverstein.
‘Just doing translation for tomorrow and love how walkie-talkie is talkie-walkie! Easily amused! Xxx’
That can be your French word of the day.
‘U won best poem lol’
My friend was working on a group marketing project and they needed a poem. In about a minute I came up with something cheesy, and it won. They each got a mug and everything.
Three years ago
‘This exam is worth 1/80 of our degree!!!!! Urghhhh’
It was finals time, and my friend was working out how much EVERYTHING was worth.
‘Good luck, you’ll enjoy this one no doubt!’
From my dad before my last languages exam.
‘Lauren what is that made up word seb vettel said at a press conference once? I’ve been trying to think of it for ages’
It was ‘observatating’. Hilarious.
‘Got an A for graded – highest mark in the class 🙂 x’
My sister again. Kept the message because I was very proud!
‘Thank you! I remembered you told me to try everything, so I did! Lol’
My friend when she came back her holiday. Good advice, right?
‘Happy harry potter day :)’
When the last film came out.
‘What was wrong with the original version of the one tree hill theme tune?’
Kathryn on the constantly changing theme tune in the final series.
‘There’s a guy on train in a tiz cos he got on Falkirk train instead of Bathgate 1 ha ha made me think of u’
I used to get on the wrong train sometimes…
Two years ago
‘You will be forever known as ‘lauren the flat getter’ :D! xxx’
I got involved in a race for the perfect flat, and of course I won.
‘What’s that? You want me to buy you a life-size cardboard cut out of Lewis Hamilton as a flatwarming gift? 😛 x’
It’s funny, because I really wouldn’t.
‘Lauren postcard came for u today from some french person called plossien… x’
This still makes me laugh a lot, because ‘Plossien’ was definitely no one’s name, although now I can’t even think who she might have meant.
‘Just so you know, I bought both the Pilgrimage of Harold Fry and a cycle helmet today. That will be all x’
This was my friend from uni. I’d gone on about this book and we’d all been pestering him about wearing a helmet, so it was cute he’d finally listened to us!
One year ago
‘Sometimes I wish you were in charge of this project. At least you are sensible! Xx’
Sometimes I wish I’d been in charge of it too!
‘F.Y.I. That was the best email I have ever received in my life! Haha I can hear you saying all those things as I’m reading it.’
I rant well.
‘Oh my god mcfly just came on the radio at work, its taken me back about 10 years pml! Xx’
Hannah got a shock when I informed her that it was indeed ten years!
‘Haha my mums trying to play matchmaker. Just off the phone to her n she asked me if you would want to go on a blind date lol. Think she must think she’s cilla black or somethin’
Even my friends’ mums are looking for men for me.
‘Haha you are genuinely NOT going to believe this. I’m down at Olly’s and Jingham is next door listening to Taylor Swift 22 #perfectman? Xxx’
And my friends are still looking.
‘THE VAMPS ARE NOT OVER THEIR CECILIA PHASE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.’
My friend and I were slightly offended at being taught how to sing Cecilia, and she went to a different concert where it happened again. Isn’t everyone just born knowing this song?
‘Those books were AMAZING!!!! What can I read now?! X’
Asked my sister, who doesn’t generally read. (She was talking about the Delirium trilogy.) Why am I not yet employed in publicity?
That’s the good thing about an old phone – more memories!
What are the best texts you’ve received? And just how confusing would some of your messages be without context?